Authorities said to be suspicious
Special Coverage by Butterfly Report editor Jeffie Pop
A hive of Russianized Hybrid Killer Bees attacked and almost killed disgraced former Attorney General Jeff Sessions Saturday in rural Coon Dick. Alabama, but not before nearly destroying an entire town!
Coon Dick County Sheriff’s Deputy Bubba Dinglehoffer identified one of the victims as 55-year old Sandy Soulcock and said the incident occurred on the Sessions’ family ‘Secret Bee Keeping Compound’ in rural Coon Dick.
Soulcock (a Sessions employee) was reportedly driving a tractor on the secret compound when he hit a discarded chicken coop that concealed a hive of Russianized Killer Bees, said Archie Fingerdorf. Fingerdorf, owner of Bees Gone Wild bee rescue group, was called to remove the aggressive hive. “I destroyed the hive, which contained 22 honeycombs and an estimated 400,000 Russianized Killer Bees,” he said.
Fingerdorf stated that Soulcock was able to run from the tractor to the Sessions Mansion about 5 miles away and turn a garden hose on himself, but to no avail. That’s when ex-Attorney General Jeff Sessions ran out of the house, tried to help Soulcock and he was attacked by his own bees. The Coon Dick Volunteer Fire Department responded to a 9-1-1 call from the secret compound.
“It was terrible,” said Tater Nuggets, a volunteer fireman. “It was like a scene out of Prom Night or some shit! Mr. Sessions is responsible for this carnage and needs to pay! We got dead people in our town and no honey to show for it!”
Soulcock was pronounced dead at the scene. Sessions, whose identity was not known until later that day, was taken to a hospital in apparently serious condition.
“He’ll live,” said a Coon Dick Memorial Hospital employee. “He was stung several hundred times. If hadn’t been so fucking ugly to begin with, we may have been able to diagnose him sooner!”
“We need to let people know these bees are for real and tell black children in particular not to piss them off!” Fingerdorf said. “These Russian Bees are aren’t playing with a full deck…they’re a whole lot like Mr. Sessions!”
Fingerdorf said he had cleared out six hives of Russianized bees in the Coon Dick County area right before the election.
“You can’t believe how bad they are. They make me want to get out of this fucking business,” Fingerdorf said. “In a hive of ordinary European bees, only about 0.5 percent will attack if the hive is threatened, but with Russian bees, all of them little fuckers go at you.”
Coon Dick Assistant Fire Chief Donnie Devlon said he could recall about three bee attacks a year for the past several years, but no fatalities. “Nothin’ like this. Lots of mighty ugly stings, though!” he said with a gleam in his eye.
The Alabama Agri-Life Extension Service website states the ferocious Russian bees were brought over from Russia by ex-Atty General Sessions right before the November election. Some escaped and mated with European bees and now this is the tragic result.
“You can’t just let Russian bees fuck our bees, it don’t work that way,” Fingerdorf said. “If anyone should know that you just don’t co-mingle with immigrant bees, it should be Mr. Sessions.”
According to the agency, eighty other people were killed by the Russian bee attack, but because they were mostly rural blacks it went largely unreported by Trump-sponsored news agencies.
The impulse to sting is 1000 times greater in the Russianized hybrids, according to Fingerdorf. They will follow victims up to three miles and they will remain aggressive up to 48 hours after an initial attack.
Unlike our friendly bees, Russian bees can be provoked quite easily via vibrations of motors or even a simple tweet. Fingerdorf also says Russianized bees are said to be ‘more venomous’ than American bees, so the same allergies apply. They are attracted to dark hair, dark skin colors, newborn black children and pine-scented candles.
To discourage the bees from building a hive, the website advises eliminating access to water where possible, plugging holes in buildings and pipes and keeping property clear of refuse and abandoned vehicles. Good results have also been achieved by stopping viewing of Fox News on TV sets in the affected locations; Russianized bees activity appears to be stimulated by several Fox on-air personalities.
“We gotta stop the bees before more folks end up dead,” said Coon Dick County Deputy Bubba Dinglehoffer. “The next time this happens…and there will be a next time…it could very easily be decent white folks takin’ the stinger!”
Special Note: Most honey bees are nice and are so important to our environment! Please help them survive! For information and tips, check out The Honeybee Conservancy!