Report Exclusive to The Butterfly Report from Jeffie Pop
Eric Trump, son of President Donald Trump, is secretly working as a mortician! A Butterfly Report Insider offers a rare glimpse into what it’s like to deal with issues of mortality on a daily basis.
From the strangest requests Eric’s ever had to what happens during cremation and embalming practices where the body is temporarily preserved for viewing purposes, here’s the closest most of us will ever get to knowing what it’s like to work in a morgue with Americas homeliest First Son.
NOTE: Butterfly Report uses anonymous sources, which we can’t verify. We’ve slightly edited questions and answers for clarity because of Eric’s limited vocabulary.
Q: Eric is your father ashamed of you?
A: I think so. We don’t talk about it much. He’s usually interested in the morbid details of my business, but generally we just talk about how hot he thinks my sister is. Ivanka, I mean, not the ugly one.
Q: Eric, what is the strangest request that you’ve ever received for a Trump Funeral service?
A: We had a dead clown one time that I believe my father had killed. This person was buried in full clown costume with makeup and all. The whole family was clowns. All the friends were clowns. And at the family’s request, I dressed as a clown too. They supplied costumes and did my makeup. Family and friends had one tear drop painted near the eye. It was definitely the coolest experience of my life besides having sex with a corpse.
Q: Any other funerals that stand out in your memory?
A: One time we had a person who did some acting and modeling in California. A penis model, I believe. The family came in early to set up and take pictures of his cock and such.
I showed them in, helped them get started and then left them. I came back about 10 minutes later to check on them and just about every picture they put up was this person’s cock and balls from the various ads he had done. There were some family photos, but most were of his amazing cock! I was mesmerized.
Q: What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve done to a cadaver?
A: Besides having sex with them? Well I had this girl to prep one time. She had an incredible amount of plastic surgery like my sister Ivanka, not the ugly one. One piece of the tape was across her lips. When I took the tape off, most of her lips came with it. The family was super pissed. They threatened to sue unless I fixed it. So I ran to Walmart and purchased some Fix-A-Flat…five minutes later…fucking amazing lips!
Q: When you cremate someone, do you ever make S’Mores?
A: Yes. I love Corpse S’Mores. I mean, who the fuck doesn’t? When I was a kid, before my father discovered that I was the stupid one in the family, he would take me out on the balcony of Trump Tower and we would build a huge-ass bonfire and make S’Mores. I treasure those memories…that and family bath time.
Q: Will there ever be a job you would refuse to do?
A: Well, I’m all about the money, of course, but if Kellyanne’s corpse were brought into Trump Funeral Homes, Inc. I would have to respectfully pass. She’s kind of creepy and she has that wonky Caitlyn Jenner eye. I think I would have nightmares and shit if I had to touch her.
Q: Did you go into the business by your own choice?
A: No. My dad told me that I was too stupid to really get a grasp on running his empire and shit, but he did ask me if I had any ideas about a kind of career and shit. I thought about it and was like, hey, I like Halloween and shit, maybe I could work with dead people?
Q: Are sex partners creeped out by your career choice?
A: Some are. But the dead ones don’t complain much.
Q: Would you be embalmed yourself? Or would you want to be cremated?
A: Well, I guess I kind of got Coon-Dicked in the old looks department, so I will let my family choose the method of disposal. They’d probably just burn my ass and shit. I guess because I’m kind of homely that I wouldn’t look so great in a casket…except maybe at Halloween.
Q: What makes you a good mortician?
A: I guess my sense of humor. I’m funny and I love to touch dead people, you know. I love it and shit. And I feel that I’m giving back to the country that my family has fucked over so bad and shit…I just fucking care, you know!