CORPSE STOLEN FROM ARKANSAS FUNERAL HOME
PUBLIC LOOKING FOR ALLEGED CONWAY CORPSE!!!
Trump gravely concerned
A Jeffie Pop Butterfly Report Exclusive!
Mules Ass Arkansas — A rotting woman tentatively identified as Trump spokeswoman and administration official Kellyanne Conway was stolen from inside an Arkansas funeral home after a failed Voodoo ritual, police said.
According to unofficial reports, Conway died on February 15 from Alternatives Facts Syndrome, a highly contagious autoimmune disorder afflicting several officials inside the Trump White House. Her father Kitten Conway told The Butterfly Report that the disappearance of the body has made it even harder for her family to deal with the situation. In fact, the Conway family has not received any official notification and has some suspicion that this could be an imposter and the real Kellyanne has gone into hiding.
Investigators say Kellyanne Conway’s possible remains were taken from a casket at a Mules Ass Arkansas Funeral Home on February 15. Police Sgt. Pepper Wheatstone said Conway’s service ended around 1:30 p.m., and her remains were taken into a private visitation area in the back of the funeral home where a bizarre Voodoo ritual was apparently performed to bring her back to life. No senior Trump officials were seen to have attended either the service or the ritual, heightening suspicion that this could have been a faux Kellyanne.
“Either way this is disgusting,” Wheatstone said. “And we’re hoping that the public at large hears about this case and if it’s really her locates the reanimated corpse before she inflicts any further damage on the American public in her role as a Trump adviser.”
Police said they believe her body was reanimated and removed during the night because no one reported any sounds of stupidity coming from inside her casket before the establishment closed for the evening.
“When the funeral home folks came in the next morning, they discovered that the casket belonging to the alleged Ms. Conway before the service was actually empty,” said Sgt. Wheatstone. “Why anyone would want her is beyond me. But we’ve got to get her before she makes it back to Washington, that much we do know.”
“If it’s her, we just want Kellyanne returned so we can finally be rid of her,” said Kitten Conway, Kellyanne’s embarrassed father. “Listen, we all know she’s a piece of crap liar, but we kind of felt sorry for her! She was our daughter for Christ’s sake…maybe. And why anyone would want to reanimate her is truly mystifying! We just wanted her out of our hair.”
The Mules Ass Arkansas Funeral Home is reportedly offering $2,000 to help catch the person responsible.
“Kellyanne is possibly one of the undead now,” said funeral director Bud Smiley. “Now we have to stop her before she makes another appearance on Meet the Press or CNN. Good Americans don’t need to see such crap. America just wants to be rid of her rotten ass once and for all!”