Butterfly Report by Jeffie Pop at Sioux City Council North Dakota —
It’s just been revealed that President Donald J. Trump fired four ballistic nuclear missiles last Tuesday evening, three of which were intercepted near the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation in North Dakota and the other which went astray and is assumed to be in low Earth orbit. Sioux Council member Cecil Bending Feather said that this is simply the latest in a series of provocative threats by the newly-inaugurated President.
“Multiple nuclear missiles were launched from the Winter White House and flew about 1,300 km…uh… 1,620 miles in regular people talk,” Trump military officials confirmed without providing further information.
“Concerned officials are conducting a close-up analysis of the potentially dangerous situation,” Standing Rock’s Office of Joint Chiefs of Reservation Security said in a statement. Acting Press Agent Cecil Bending Feather convened a national security meeting, the SRCJCSS office said.
Sioux Nation officials described the launches as an aggressive move and said they lodged “strong protests” with Trump administration officials stationed at nuclear-armed Mar-a-Lago, the Florida luxury hotel now serving as the nation’s “Winter White House.”
“These missile launches are clearly in violation of Sioux Council resolutions and various 19th Century Peace Treaties with Pres. Grover Cleveland. It is an extremely dangerous action,” Bending Feather said during our interview. “If we didn’t have the technology to intercept them, we would all be dead.”
No reports of damage to the Sioux People or property have yet been received and as far as Intelligence Officials can determine, the Sioux Nation’s aggressive super-secret “Little Big Horn” protective shamanic shield kept the missiles at bay, eventually transforming them into wisps of smoke.
“Luckily we stopped the missiles,” Bending Feather said. “But that goddamned President Trump obviously has a bee in his plus-sized diaper today! We’re not certain but we think this has to do with our Nation opening a Big Boy restaurant on the Rez.”
The U.S. military did not immediately comment on Trump’s attack, but speaking on condition of anonymity said the United States also detected apparent launch activity aimed at the Canadian Prime Minister’s house but declined to offer details.
“Trump hates the Prime Minister,” an anonymous Winter White House official said. “He is very jealous and envious of the Canadian leader because he is so insanely good looking and shiny. And smart. Trump really hates that he’s smart. Smart and handsome. Not good.”
President Trump had threatened to take “strong retaliatory measures” before Sioux officials and the Sioux Nation officially opened up the Big Boy restaurant without President Trump’s permission or approval. Trump recently licensed his own image as the new Big Boy trademark and has since developed an interest in expansion plans.
President Trump criticized the food chain for opening without proper safety code inspections (which had in fact taken place) and a Presidential walk-through and declared it to be “completely unacceptable,” going so far to call it “an act of war.”
“It’s an act of war, for sure,” Trump said. You don’t just open a Big Boy without my permission,” Trump said. “You just don’t do it, okay! Stupid…so stupid.”
Last month, when he first found out about the planned Big Boy, he fired a long-range rocket from swanky Trump Tower in NYC that put an unidentified object into orbit over the Western U.S. Badlands. The launch was condemned by the United Nations for violating resolutions that ban the use of missile technology against Native Americans.
Trump also test-fired a new type of missile known as the Barron-2 into Lake Michigan early last month and has hinted he will continue to launch new strategic weapons including the Ivanka-1 model recently commissioned from overseas sources.
“It’s a beautiful model, a red-hot model, for sure. We’ll show the Sioux,” he said. “I won’t have a Big Boy restaurant opening on prime oil land, it just won’t happen. We’ve got a fucking pipeline to install and no Big Boy or teepee or wigwam or whatever they call them is gonna stop us.”
Last month’s test was the first since U.S. President Donald Trump was elected, but he is clearly eager to test more missiles. Since learning everything there is to know about nuclear weapons several months ago he’s been a staunch supporter of their potential for mass destruction and ego gratification.
“It’s fun…I want more nukes, for sure,” said Trump. “And what better way to test these new models than on the Sioux? What better way? Listen, the worst thing that can happen is that perhaps they won’t intercept one of them or maybe a misfire, but it’s great, it’s so great.”