A Pampered primate is on the run after seeing her face!!!

The Butterfly Report‘s Jeffie Pop reports from the scene:

A diaper-wearing monkey carrying a weaponmonkey was photographed running around the parking lot of a Quicky Chicky Food Mart in Mules Ass, Arkansas, and attacking Socialite/White Supremacist spokesperson Kellyanne Conway who was returning from a Presidential rally in the state.

Police said the pampered primate escaped when its owner opened her trailer door to discard monkey feces, according to the Mules Ass Gazette. “He only wanted Skittles,” said his owner, Tonya Knuckles. “The little fucker just loves his Skittles and when he saw the lights at the Quicky Chicky he just bolted!”

Store employee Earl Hinkey attempted to capture the monkey near the shopping cart return area, but said he was caught off-guard when the merry-making monkey brandished a weapon. “When I saw that the little dude had a gun, I fucking knew we was in deep shit,” he said.

When the man got close, the monkey jumped from the metal railing and kellyannegrabbed Kellyanne’s arm and clothing, then proceeded to urinate on her head and slap her viciously! “Thankfully, the weapon did not discharge,” said Hinkey. “I would’ve felt really bad if that little monkey had gotten hurt.”

The woman who owns the monkey yelled, “Let go of that ugly woman, let go of that ugly woman! If that bitch bites my monkey, they’ll have to put him down!”

The woman then grabbed the monkey’s hand and walked him back to the trailer for counseling and Skittles, according to Gator News Network.

A witness calling 911 said that the monkey had urinated on Conway and trashed the aisle containing Wheaties and other cereal products. However, two news organizations banned by the Trump Administration reported that the victim ‘Conway’ did not require medical attention.

“It was the poor monkey who was traumatized,” said, GNN reporter, Jeffie Pop. “When that little monkey saw that human train wreck up close, he literally shit himself!”

A Quicky Chicky spokesperson told GNN News that the monkey’s owner was grateful for the way the store helped apprehend her monkey, but stated that the effect of looking at Conway’s face could not be undone.

“My 7d50f5f03fd6f578f8dc16664ace-grandemonkey is scarred for life,” said owner, Tonya Knuckles. “How do you tell an innocent little Monkey that the world is truly an ugly fucking place? All I know is that my monkey will never be the same…Conway’s one ugly bitch!”

The Mules Ass Department of Agriculture is now trying to track down the monkey and its owner for fear the animal may be permanently traumatized by seeing Conway’s face. “You gotta feel for the tiny monkey,” said Bud Beardley, a MADA employee. “The little fella was scared shitless…now I just hope we can locate him and get him the counseling he needs to recover.”

 

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