America in disgrace!!!

Reported by Jeffie Pop for The Butterfly Report direct from Coon Dick , AL

A man that police say dresses as a woman to shoplift is now behind bars in a women’s work prison and his identity’s a shocker!

Detectives in Coon Dick, Alabama were looking for U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, 65, when he was arrested by Coon Dick County police during a raid at his secret Bee Keeping Compound in rural Coon Dick, Alabama.

Coon Dick officers said Sessions and ‘simple-minded’ Sarah Huckabee Sanders were organized shoplifters who stole to fund white-supremacy groups around the state.

“Sessions and Huckabee Sanders are like the superstars of shoplifting,” said Officer Sparkplug Jackson of the Coon Dick Police County Department.

Sparkplug said the disgraced duo would go into neighboring stores with a plan in mind, have a driver on the lookout outside, and would be gone in under a minute’s time.

“They’ll grab $3,000 or $4,000 worth of  products, and they’re out  before you can blink,” Jackson said. “They’d usually be after cosmetics and nail polish, you know, cross dresser sarah huckabee in prisonrevstuff. They’re a fairly well-oiled machine…well, Sessions anyway. That Huckabee Sanders chick seems almost too stupid to blink!”

According to police, Sessions and Huckabee Sanders belong to a larger shoplifting ring that operates all over Coon Dick County. The proceeds from the stolen goods  are then used to fund white supremacy operatives, as well as Mr. Sessions’ own genetically Russianized Killer Bee operation.

“They’re making something between $1,500 to $2,000 a week,” said Jackson. “It’s pretty high-tech shit! And from what we’ve learned, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. We believe that once we dig deeper into this that more secrets will come out.”

The two are believed to have stolen more than $30,000 worth of cosmetics and hair extensions from stores on Rhett Butler Boulevard in Coon Dick alone. Retailers were furious when they found out Sessions was involved.

“He acts all high and mighty and shit,” said Latorsha Jankowski, owner of Girl Friends And Sista’s Hair Salon. “Then he’s out stealing my hair extensions…I don’t fucking think so, bitch!”

Since releasing a picture of the ‘Drag Duo’ in action last month, police said it didn’t take long to track down Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was arrested in a D.C parking garage for public urination behind a parked car.

“She took quite a leak,” said a D.C police spokesman. “I guess she almost flooded the level below, so I guess she had to go pretty bad! Probably a yeast infection or something.”

Last week, 21 Coon Dick retailers met with police to start a network to get the names and faces of known operatives spread around the city. The hope is that loss prevention officers will be able to stop them before it’s too late.

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“Sessions wasn’t hard to pick out,” said Scooter Pickins, owner of ‘Scoot On Over Convenience Store’. “He’s just got a look you don’t forget…kind of creepy, you know? But I always thought it was a real lady! I mean, she was always very polite, like a funeral parlor attendant.”

“We’d like to see more retailers get on board with this,” said Jackson. “The sooner we can put a stop to this nonsense the better. Hopefully, with Sessions and Huckabee behind bars our little town will have a chance to heal, you know. Mr. Sessions has disgraced us all…now what we need is some time for our nation to heal.”

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